This is where i'll record some of my thoughts sometimes! Please keep in mind nothing is off limits here; there might be some triggering topics! i'll try to ad cws and tws when i can, but keep in mind i might forget :)
11/17/24
You know the drill. i'm still here.
got a new desk. also thinking about staring a new site... whats new. you make one every few days.
i've come to the conclusion that, in terms of how i think about life, i'm the superior person. these journal entries make so much sense to me.
mom got partials put in. shes unfortunately recovering. they might drink tonight. mom doesnt really listen to post op inscructions super well.
i start second shift this saturday. i hope i like it.
if that annoying retarded bitch is reading this: fuck. you. i deserve the front half, not you. i want weekends off. i deserve weekends off. not you. all you do is complain. randy is gonna have a field day with you. i hope you get fired soon. stupid fucking bitch.
anyways, thats my monthly complaining time. time to play some vidya games or something. fuck all of you. i want a promotion
9/24/24
holy shit, hi!
No one cares about where ive been probably, but ill still talk about it for the shiggles.
i got a new job. a better job. my coworkers make me wanna kill myself but its okay i guess.
i feel like ill actually be able to move up in this company. its crazy. it feels like things are looking up for me a little bit.
we got a new cat. hes so cute. he sleeps beside me every chance he gets... if something happens to that little shit im gonna fucking kill myself. he means everything to me.
i opened pre orders for some resident evil charms. probably not gonna sell any but its okay i guess. im used to people ignoring me for the most part. dunno why i even try anymore to be completely honest
do you think il actually move up anywhere? be successful? i dont know. im so used to going with the flow that i never planned anything. i though id die before 18. im 20 now. ill be able to legally smoke and drink next year, isnt that crazy?
i got a new friend. my only friend i know outside of the net. its weird having to talk to someone. i dont have to, but i feel like i do, if that mnakes sense.
i dont see people as people. i see them as a list of things i have to complete. talk to this person a few times, so they dont lose interest in you; give this person art so they can continue to know you exist, etc. etc. its all so exhausting.
I wish i was a clump of brain cells for scientists to experiment on. i dont care if im concious or not. its all menial to me anyways. im used to it, so i can get praised for just doing the same tasks over and over again, except for being told to rest or do more or eat. i dont want to eat, it makes me sick.
thanks for reading through again, cyrus; maybe seeing this will bring back some memories of hen you were alive, in a body, still formed. despite everything, cyrus, despite what i do or what i think sometimes; i still love you. i know its difficult for you to say, but i love you.
12/8/23
cleaned my pc room. cleaning this out is helping me feel better. also my dad is giving me his series x so i better make room for that i guess.
thatd be wise. anyways, uh... the entry below. crazy, huh? yeah, just ignore that. im still keeping it up for archival sakes, but if a therapist or something finds it my ass is going to the ward LMAO
Thats it i guess. im probably getting a steam deck for christmas tho! thats fun!
11/29/23
Gah damn.
six months? doesnt matter. not like anyone knows me lmao. id honestly prefer it this way. "but cyrus," he asks, "what of the people you love the most?" he doesnt realize that my ultimate goal is to be off the map. the fuck do the feds need me for? i dont want a social security card, i dont want a legal name or last name. i dont want an official date of birth.
"oh cyrus, what of the people who care for you?"
dont need em. relationships arew just another thing to add to the fucking pile, no?
"ohhh cyrus... you cant possibly say that! humans are social, fun loving creatures! you cannot ignore your dna!"
thats what that bastard of a man used to say all the fucking time. everytime i see that burned fuckwad from new vegas i feel something swell from the depths of my stomach. a knot thats so, so close to popping, finally snapping and letting me find that man and kill him with my bare hands, preaching the same bullshit to him that he used to preach to me. i was such a good victim, wasnt i? i listened to everything you said. i believed you. but father, you son of a fucking bitch, you never believed me. i hate you.
I dont mind sinning. in fact, ill commit every single sin in the book if it means i can go to hell and find you. ill find you, and inflict a punishment much worse that what the devil can offer. you got that, asshole?
to any fbi agents reading this; this is just me being unmedicated maybe. i dont hurt people. i cant hurt people. god frowned upon me and made me weak. theres no way im capable of such a thing. old fucks dead and gone probably.
im just venting here, is all
5/12/23
<It's been a while. How have ya'll been?
I've been okay. I have a crush on someone now, fucks sake. This shit makes me mad and upset and confused. I hate love. I want meds so i don't have to feel it or anything.
Jesus fuck, i need to stop being edgy. Well, my parents are fighting more. they're probabaly gonna be fighting on my birthday, sons of bitches. i wish they didn't fight so much. i just want them to be happy on my birthday n shit. i know some shit will happen. i guess iu better just expect it so it'll hurt less.
Oh yeah, birthday. i'm gonna be 19. shits crazy as hell. can't belive i survived this long without getting killed by a rabid coyote or some shit. that'd be a funny way to go, though.
i guess i'll get back to updating this here site. maybe...
1/30/23
custom domain!!!!!!!!!
so exciting! atually got a cute one for pretty cheap. never thought about using the .fun domain but its pretty cute! work is actually okay nowadays??? weird. anyways! im still working on the video script <3 maybe i'll get to it soon!
1/29/23
So i havent updated in a while. Well, ive been busy. work, mostly.i got a new physical journal though, and ordered some cute astrology themed stuff to decorate it. i might theme it around my studies and what i learn in said studies. I'm also making a liminal space video, yay! even though i have shit mic quality, but hey, im feuled by passion.
1/10/23 + 1/11/23
So my life went to shit! We're down to one vehicle so my schedule is fucked. my parents probably aren't gonna let me go to az unless i just go, so thats stressful! this fucking sucks LOL
manifesting though. maybe when i do my taxes? idfk. and now i have to deal with insurance and shit. itll be worth it since ill be able to drive, but idk. im just nervous. my dad will help but im still nervous as fuck. im just scared
1/9/23
So! progress has been made on the site! a LOT of progress! i love how it turned out, but now it's time for the worst part; different resolutions. and i have work tomorrow, but it's not too bad. at least i'm not closing with my weirdo manager who fucking hates me haha. this site is a good distraction from my real life, and some other super personal stuff. i get to talk about my interests with no one to judge me or anything. i love it
